Show Your Hand
by raccoonsmate4life
Summary: She's the gamechanger. She's the one who blurs all the lines and ruins his carefully laid out plans. She's the one he wants to share his life and himself with and yet, she's also the one he can't bear to let see all the darkness that mars his soul. Tag to 7x10, 'Internal Affairs'


A/N - Post-ep for 7x10, Internal Affairs. I initially meant this to be longer and include a much needed conversation between Kensi and Deeks, but being too close to tonight's holiday ep, (and knowing a few spoilers), I decided to end it where I did so as not to make it completely false by the time the ep airs in less than an hour. I also posted this separately from my collection because I'm envisioning a second chapter after tonight.

As always, I own nothing.

* * *

 _The desperate cries of a scared teenage girl on the other end of the phone.  
The red that clouds his vision as he approaches her on the street corner and sees the bruises that mottle her skin.  
The steady march of his own feet – in time with the thundering beat of his heart – as he makes his way to the seedy motel.  
The slurred rants of a corrupt police detective spewing lies and hate and threats.  
The ease with which he sidesteps the clumsy rush attack of his high-flying former partner and the staggering blow to the side of his head he never saw coming from the lazily held weapon in the older man's hand.  
The instinctual reflex to grab the gun as it hits the floor at his feet.  
The unforgiving rage he sees in Boyle's eyes.  
The deafening sound of three bullets leaving the chamber.  
The near-simultaneous and muffled _thap-thap-thap _of the center mass hits.  
The shock, condemnation, disappointment, and hurt written so clearly on the face of his partner…his girlfriend…his Kensi when he turns to flee the room._

His eyes snap open and he sucks in a breath as he takes in his surroundings. The warm, plush bed and the mess of dark hair splayed out on the pillow next to him as her slow, quiet breaths fan across his chest.

It's the same damn nightmare that's woken him up every night this week. The nightmare that not only forces him to relive one of the lowest points of his life, but one that for just a split second before he wakes, forces him to face what he fears could be in his future when Kensi finds out what he did.

He reaches for his phone to check the time, sighing when he sees it's approaching 6am because he knows he won't be falling back to sleep now, despite it being a Saturday. When he feels Kensi nuzzle her nose against his shoulder, her hand coming to rest lightly on his bicep, he's afraid his nightmare woke her up, but a quick glance down at her assures him that she's still asleep.

Suddenly, he feels like he's suffocating. He shouldn't be worried that his girlfriend is going to wake up with him in the predawn hours of the day. He shouldn't dread the quiet moments between them, fearing the questions he doesn't want to answer and the conversation he doesn't want to have. He can't keep living like this – he can't keep making her live like this.

If he ever doubted her devotion to him, she proved herself tenfold this week – always supporting, always fighting. For him.

 _But why? Why does she love you so much?_

He closes his eyes against an onslaught of emotions and works on slipping out of bed without jostling her awake.

 _Because she doesn't know. She doesn't know all of you. She can't hate the parts of you that you never let her see._

He paces the room silently. He needs air.

 _But she can't love them either._

He stops in his tracks, his heart clenching at the sight of Kensi curled up in his bed. He needs to talk to her.

 _Today. Talk to her today. Before your anniversary…before Christmas. Give her the chance to get out._

He decides to head for the beach – it's a tad chilly for surfing and the waters are supposed to be rough anyway, but the ocean air has always calmed him. Jotting down a quick note for Kensi, Deeks slips it under her phone on the bedside table and leans over to press a soft kiss to her shoulder. As a sleepy, contented sigh leaves her lips, he is struck with a new thought – one that manages to give him the slightest fluttering of hope.

 _Or maybe, just maybe, give her the chance to finally love every piece of you._

. . . .

An hour later, Deeks is sitting in the sand, watching the waves crash along the shore – only nothing about it is as soothing as it usually is for him. He can't stop thinking about Kensi. She's always on his mind in some way, but usually he's planning their next date night or wondering if today will be the day she lets them make out in the armory, not figuring out the least damaging way to tell her that he's been lying to her for months.

For as long as he can remember, he's been compartmentalizing every aspect of his life. In a way, it's been a means of survival and it's worked for him. Lies, truths, covers, aliases – all of it working together to separate the good from the bad from the ugly from the downright unspeakable. All of it working together to help him live his life the best way he knew how – by burying anything that would risk everything.

Deeks closes his eyes, running his hands through his hair, as his thoughts drift back to Kensi. She's the gamechanger. She's the one who blurs all the lines and ruins his carefully laid out plans. She's the one he wants to share his life and himself with and yet, she's also the one he can't bear to let see all the darkness that mars his soul. The fear of losing her love has such a hold on him, that he can't bring himself to believe that she could possibly love him enough to accept everything he's hidden away.

 _That needs to stop._

He stands up, taking off his shoes and walking until the cold ocean water is lapping at his feet. He knows that the only way that he will be able to fully trust the strength of what they have together is to give her the chance to prove it. As he stares out over the horizon, he tries to focus on all the good he has with her, hoping those things will give him the courage he needs to trust her in a way he's never dreamed of trusting anyone else.

He runs his fingers through his hair and sighs. He's tired. He's tired of hiding, of shouldering all of this alone, of feeling like he doesn't deserve her.

Suddenly remembering the promise they made to each other, last year at the ice rink, he sucks in a breath.

 _Chips on the table…All in._

Deeks takes one last look out over the water, finally feeling the peace he came here to find. He doesn't know if he'll tell her today, tomorrow, or next week, but he will. She deserves it. _They_ deserve it.

 _No more bluffing.  
Time to show your hand._

* * *

A/N again - Logically, I _know_ all the legal reasons he wouldn't have told her anything, but I've spent most of this past week feeling very conflicted about what we found out and the fact that he continually lied to Kensi about it. There were ways he could have not lied so outright while still doing things the best way legally. I have a LOT of thoughts on this, but I'm just going to leave it there.


End file.
